In my lifetime, I’ve been lucky enough to experience two championship teams, but was too young to really appreciate what it took to root for the right team. This past summer, a team I’ve been supporting for the past decade finally did it. They got over the hump and won the Stanley Cup! It was glorious! The 26 year championship drought was finally over, but I had this weird feeling. As I ran to my computer to order all of the Stanley Cup Champions gear, I had a weird feeling. It wasn’t everything I thought it’d be. Not only was I not creaming in my pants, I wasn’t completely happy with my own actions. I couldn’t help but feel like a huge loser. I had accomplished nothing. I was, in fact, celebrating the achievements of greater men. I was celebrating the achievements of men that have sacrificed so much to reach the pinnacle of their industry, while I have worked to get to the middle of mine.
It’s been four nights since the sleep regression and it is not fun. I don’t find this stage enjoyable at all. Nothing about the 3-4 sleep disturbances a night makes me feel anything but rage. All is not lost. She’s not heading to the orphanage yet. We’re taking a new approach. We’ve been pretty bad about feeding. She started on solid foods a couple weeks ago, but only 2 feedings at 1-2 ounces per session. We’ve been told that they can graduate to 3 feedings per day at 2-3 ounces per session, but we’ve been pretty bad at upgrading and now it’s coming back to castrate us. We’re pushing towards feeding her, to the point where she becomes obese. It’ll be easier for her to walk off the weight than it will be to find a foster family to take her in. Keep track of her age and the amount of food/milk your baby’s taking in.
I’ve heard a lot of buzz about the dreaded 4 month sleep regression that can/will last for weeks. I was not impressed. The best way to handle it was to get your baby and your life into a strict sleeping schedule….well at least at night. We fucking crushed it and then it happened. Leap number 5, which happens at around 6 months. For those not in the know, mental leaps also known as wonder weeks, are just new ways for your baby to fuck with you. Their little brains unlock a new setting and information just pours into their minds. Up until now, they’ve only lasted a couple days but have been manageable, but this is some bullshit. For the past 3 days, she’s been super fussy, is so tired but refuses to sleep and starts screaming at you when you’re more than 3 feet away from her. The best part is that Mommy’s usually the only one who can really calm her down, so be prepared to feel unwanted. Leap 5 is coming.
Your car seat’s one of the most important purchases you’ll make. If we’re being 100% honest, just about everything that involves the safety of your child is one of the most important purchases you’ll make. Of course, there are features that make some better than others. We went with the lightest option on the market, which also happened to be one of the most expensive. Not the most, but it was up there. Things that we liked were that it is light. Thing we don’t like are that it seems to do one thing great and performs ok everywhere else. The biggest complaint I have about our car seat is that the drape that covers the baby doesn’t go down far enough. Some car seats come with something called a dream drape, which pretty much comes all the way down to completely cover the baby when you’re tired of her RBF. It’s really helpful when you’re out on a stroll and the sun is at the perfect angle that it’s beams of light pierce through the sky and burn her retinas. Find a car seat that has a cover that comes all the way down. Save her eyes.
Ignorance is pride are a dangerous combination. Too often we look at certain things in life with unwarranted prejudice. We hate, not for what something is, but for reasons which this inanimate object cannot control; the minivan.
Before we can truly understand the benefits of the minivan, I think we need to dive into the unappealing aesthetics of the vehicle itself and those who own one. Sure, it’s bulky, not aerodynamic, won’t turn any heads and handles like a boat, but you’re moving precious cargo. Your only job at that point in time is to transport your family from point A to point B with all of the shit your daughter needs. Not only is this thing the complete opposite of cool, but the people driving them look like their fashion sense is a snapshot of what was less than cool was 15 years ago. Let’s be honest though, you’re married and have at least one kid, you’re not exactly attracting anything but an extra 20 pounds on the gut and a receding hairline anyways. If you’re worried about how you look in a minivan, you should be more worried about what you see in the mirror.
It’s true that you’ll never be cool driving a minivan, but you will be is more relaxed. First of all, the thing is made for families. That bulky ass stroller you’re lugging around’s going to fit nicely in the trunk. If you’re lucky enough to have a power lift gate, you can have that sucker on its way up, so that you’re ready to fold that sumbitch and throw it in the back in one fell swoop. Now, you have baby in hand and are ready to throw her into the back, but you realize that the asian lady parked awfully close to you, leaving you barely enough room for you to jump into the passenger seat. Luckily the backseats have sliding doors, so all you need to do is get the door open and you have plenty of lateral space. With an SUV, you’d have to enter from the other side and if you just happened to be parked between two asian women, you’d have to back the whole car out before baby would be able to get locked in. What happens if you’re alone, what are you going to do? You cant leave baby in the car seat in the parking lot while you back the car out and you definitely don’t want to be anywhere near your parking lot neighbors as they attempt to drive off unless you’re an adrenaline junky.
Yes, an SUV does look cooler, but a minivan will reduce your stress level and anxiety. Automatic sliding doors, vast amounts of cargo space and features that are tailored towards families make minivans the better choice. Your life is already going to be exponentially more difficult, you don’t need your car to add to it.
You’ve learned a great deal about your baby and her habits over the past 4 months. You’ve even fallen into a groove where you get to talk some shit. People always say that it’s hard, but they’re all just terrible parents and people. Then it hits you. She becomes a stage fiver. You can’t put her down for naps without a huge argument. She’s tired, but won’t fucking lay down. You and her are exhausted, but she decides she wants to wake up at 3 in the morning just to fuck with you and your sanity. You thought you knew what to do, but now your RSA token has just given you a new access code and you can’t see the numbers.
It’s truly is a struggle, but now all of the little things you’ve been able to get away with, like stay out a little bit later before bed time or extending her time between naps during the day are no longer acceptable. As soon as she raises her hands to rub her eyes, you better be on your way to putting her ass down. You’re going from college to the NFL. The players are bigger, faster, stronger and the windows are smaller. If you miss that window, you’re throwing a pick and you get to watch as the douche bag high steps his way to 6. Don’t miss that window.
Today, I’d like to talk about the target brand dish washing soap. A few weeks ago, I went shopping for some dishwashing soap, because I was in the mood to buy some dishwashing soap. I worked my way through the dishwashing soap aisle in Target and came across the Target brand dishwashing soap. Feeling adventurous, I decided to try something new. I grabbed the biggest bottle I could find, walked triumphantly out of the aisle and towards the checkout line. As I waited for my turn to pay, I couldn’t help but gaze into that bottle’s label and daydream about all of the plates, bowls, pots and pans we would clean together to the tune of Wouldn’t it be Nice by the Beach Boys. A minute and a half later, my fantasy was rudely interrupted by an adolescent voice with “Hi Sir, how are you today?”
Fast forward two weeks and we’ve finally come to the moment of validation. I was going to prove to myself and the world that the Target brand dishwashing soap is not only cheaper than the mainstream alternative, but performs just as well. I went through the same motions with the new product that I normally do and boy was I surprised. Not only did it not cut through grease, it felt like all of the bubbles it produced when washing were just for show. I might as well have been using straight up water to wash my dishes. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
In an attempt to salvage the hard earned cash I threw down for this inadequate product, I decided to combine this less than stellar soap with the real shit. I gave it about a 1:1 ratio, hoping that the name brand soap would mask the weaker link’s shortcomings. The results were not exactly what I expected.
When working the mixture of incompetent soap with it’s better performing peer, I noticed a huge difference in performance. That is, a huge difference as in not at all. In fact, I think the mixture performed worse than the two individuals alone. Not only did the concoction not cut through any grease, it took the grease from the previously washed dishes and smeared it onto the others. If you have any plastics in your sink, you might as well through them into the recycling bin. I squeezed glob after glob of detergent onto my sponge and scrubbed away at all of the soiled plastics with no avail. I swear, I repeated those steps six times before I threw my sponge into the sink and the plastic tupperware into the recycling pile. Target brand’s dishwashing liquid isn’t just the worst guy on the bench, his very existence drags the entire team down into the Mariana Trench with him. He’s so bad that he sucks the life out of the starters, coaching staff and front office. He’s the type of player who takes a knee on 4th down in the redzone with 5 seconds left in the 4th, with no timeouts when you’re down by 2. Not only does it not do its job, but it prevents his teammates from doing theirs as well.